Week 1

WELLL I DID IT! I was successful this week! From when i decided to do this diet and changing my whole life i have actually been successful. Ill be honest monday I was scared especially when i came home and baked and made a bunch of sweets. But i stuck to my word and went and worked out tuesday, wed, met with the personal trainer on thursday, then friday and today I did my cardo on the treadmill! YA HEAR! I did 5 days at the gym! Mind you, that since Thursday, i have been overly sore. But i didnt wussy out and not go. I fought thru the pain and went. I havent been this proud of my self in a while.

So this morning was the "JUDGEMENT"  day, i had to get back on the scale to see what had happened. WEEEEELLLLLLLL I did it, I got on, closed my eyes and then waited a couple min and THEN i looked at that tiny little screen, Ya know what I saw. I saw that i had lost 7.6 pounds!!!!!!!Im sure a lot of it was water weight but STILLLLL it was needed! I may have cried, the pain was worth it, and i knew i had made the right choice to sign up with FRANK THE TANK! hahaha thats my new trainer, im going to meet with him twice a week starting monday! So as seeing as i was so happy i wanted to share it with my mom, but at that moment she was in the restroom and my dad happened to be walking down the hall. SO i had told him to look at tell me what it said bc I SURE AS HELL didnt believe my own eyes. So what does he do, he looked at the number read it out loud, which was 324.4 and he looks at me shakes his head and goes when did you get over 300,how did you let this happen.... that moment right there nearly killed me. I did everything i could to try not to cry right there and then on the scale. I got off and turned my back on him. I had to. I didnt want him to see how badly i was hurt. He had said something else that i  cant recal right now. But i screamed at him. Not a little bit either, a whole mouthful of stuff flew out of my mouth, as my mother was exiting the washroom she came to see what was going on. At that point i was crying pretty hard and couldnt hold it in or control it and she was asking what had happened, so i told her. she was proud but that didn't take that hurt away. Hell its been all day and that hurt is still there, like he knows how hard i have been busting my ass this week and he couldnt just say hey good job, no he had to break me down. Just thinking about it and writing about it i sit here crying... I tried to talk to mom about it but it hasnt helped. All in a matter of moments he killed my pride in myself. But did I give up today and drop everything and go eat the doritios that have been taunting me on top of the fridge, NOPE. I sat and cried for a few minutes got myself cleaned up then spent the day with him and my mother, baby sitting shopping, then i came home changed and WENT to the gym to continue on. For dinner I ate alone and i kept my portions under control. I am still so angry at him and I dont know what i can do to make that go away. Those few minutes keep replaying and i keep getting more and more upset as it comes up. WHY WHY WHY would anybody do that to someone. WHY. My mom tried to make excuses for him saying he doesnt think before he speaks and crap like that but HONESTLY! What did I do to deserve that kind of pain? What could anyone have done to deserve that.

I thought writing about it would help.... Apparently not. Erg. I am going to have to figure something out.I know what i normally would do, but that isnt an option currently.

Well its late and I have a long day tomorrow. So until next time...

And they're offfffff!

Well Well, I went to the gym last night I only did a half hour on the treadmill, but i feel good. I did talk with the owner of the gym I have a meeting Thursday night with a trainer.. I want to know what he has to say, I think I am going to be able to stay more on track if I am paying someone to beat my ass into shape! So we will see how that goes tomorrow evening at 6! Could be deathly! Haha we shall see.

Yesterday at lunch I had made a trip to GNC, I had wanted to start taking something to help me in this battle, So I had spoken with the store manager (let me tell you he was amazing! So sincere and helpful when he was answering my questions and making suggestions! I will be going back to that store soon!)

This is what he ahd suggested. So I got the bottle with 90 pills, took 3 this morning and I'm feeling good so far, I dont really want to be at work but that isn't uncommon. I will be going to the gym after work today, so lets hope I can keep this up! Oh wait NO we dont hope, I WILL! I am planning on going at least 4 days a week if not more.

I have realized that until I hit where I want to be weight wise I may not have a lot of time for dating or spending time with friends, but honestly its my health if people dont understand and dont support me are they really my friends. I know who is there for the right reasons and not.

On a whole new note, its been 3 weeks since I've spoken to oh whats his face.. the pain is still the same as it was that first day. THIS sucks! Maybe the more I work out and concentrate on that I will be to busy to remember him. I read a quote somewhere I cant remember where but I believe it read, "a love this this, wont die easliy." Sadly enough when the other person doesnt love you back you would really hope the pain/love would lessen a little bit. Thinking about it, makes me want to cry. But I will not allow him any more tears or time. He said he wanted to remain friends. Some friend 3 weeks later knowing how hurt I was hasnt called/texted to see if I am ok. Appearently, all of this was one sided friendship and everything. I've owned up to the fact that I wasn't good enough for him.. but thats on him.. bc given the chance I know im amazing and know he isnt good enough for me. I wish I could get my heart to believe this.. All I keep doing breaking it down to how I wasnt good enough.. UGH its a horrible cycle!

Well, I think I've vented enough, Until next time....

Aggravation....

I hate when people keep telling me what I should be doing. I hate this, my older sister thinks she knows how to do everything properly and the right way. She is so concerned with how i am working out or eating. I have asked her a bunch of times not to do this because it is a lot on me and she doesnt stop.

One day I know I am going to blow up on her and I do not want to do that. I hate fighting and when people are upset with me but i dont know how much more of that I can take. the aggravation is to much and is going to break me.

Lets get to the point here....

Well this morning I weighed myself... the old scale read 332... UGH! The last Weight Watchers meeting I had gone to I weighed in at 320, this was  11/22/11. Well i guess it would be normal to put the weight back on, knowing since then I haven't watched what I was eating, worked out or anything.. Well my first goal is to drop the 32 lbs by April 19th! This may seem like a lot, but honestly I think I'll be happy losing any! Its time I get my but back to the gym, i want to go 3 to 4 days a week if not more. I need to do this for myself.. It all starts today, eating better, moving more! I am not trying to get down to a certain weight.. If I followed all of the "research" I would look like a bag of bones. Check out the chart I've attached. Being that I am 5'9" they are saying my target weight should be 150 lbs. and my HIGH  Risk Weight is 170... WHAT???? lets do the math, this means I have to lose 182 lbs to be considered by doctors healthy.... I have to loose pretty much a full grown man! Well not even, someone who has to be 6'3"!!!!!! That seems a bit much.. But Im setting small goals in order to reach my larger goals.

I am no longer a part of Weight Watchers, I am not someone who can write down every thing that goes into my mouth, I am using an app on my phone that I can check to see how bad something is for me. But I am pretty sure I know what I should and should not be eating. I am giving my seld until April, this is when I go to Vegas, to eat better keep a constant gym schedule. I will not fail myself. And all I have to keep reminding myself, this is for ME AND NOBODY ELSE!  If I keep that in my mind, I know I can do this, it is when everyone else gets involved that I stop doing it and paying attention! Well SATURDAY marks my starting day, I will weigh in every saturday and keep track of my losses. Well I'm off to set up a spreadsheet!

Until next time....

Starting Over

It has taken me a long time to come to the realization that I will be ok, yes it hurts now and I'm sure it will for a while. Let me start by first giving a little back history. I'm 26, have a wonderful job and an amzaing family. It seems that everything had gone down hill about 2 years ago, right after I had lost a family memeber. I had reconnected with a "male" friend of mine. Things had been going well. Or at least I had thought so. We had arrangements with each other for a very long time. Well unfortunately, being a female it appears that my emotions had gotten in the way... Go FIGURE!

Well as it turns out the feelings were not mutal....after spending two years with this one person hoping for a spark of something, I made the choice to let it go. Along with letting go of all of the "benefits" I had to let go of a good friend, actually one of the most consistant people in my life. I thought after two weeks I would be ok, but it doesn't appear to be that way, I think it's getting a bit worse actually. But with the help of my friends who know about the situation I know I will be ok.

So here I am today.. Sitting at work, not actually working but trying to figure out my life.. I have seems to let things slip away from me a bit.. I was losing weight and was doing great... Then I stopped. I wasn't smoking, but then I started again, I was saving money, then I blew it all.. It seems like a really horrible pattern.. I need to figure my life out. Im 26 still living at home with my parents not paying rent or anything! I should be better off than this. So I am going to try to stick to my goals starting today! I have set up a couple of different tasks for myself. There will be more information to come on these later, they will include my plans to eat healither, work out schedule, my budget as well as my stories of online dating! YES! I know I've done it I've admitted it, I joing an online dating site, actually ive been on there for over 6 months, I will back track with some of those horror stories at a later time as well.

One last thing before I go, I just want to put this out there, I dont expect any followers or anyone to constently read what I write, but I know for a fact that this will help me be more accountable for my actions and my goals knowing that possible somone is "watching."

Until next time....